The Style Invitational Week 923 Chemical wordfare
By Pat Myers, Friday, June 10, 2:40 AM
The Carpin’ Jonoxide: A chief
contributor of emissions to a poisonous political atmosphere.
Newtron: A highly charged part of a
political element at the lowest level.
Back in 1997, the
Invitational contributed to modern chemistry by adding such elements to the
periodic table as Limbaughium (“emits heat but no light . . .
repellent to protons and electrons; only succeeds in attracting morons”) and,
yes, Newtium (“does not possess magnetic properties”). While obviously some of
the 14-year-old entries are still painfully timely, we agree with Obsessive
Loser (and chemical engineer) Jeff Contompasis that it’s time for an update.
This week: Create a new chemical element or other chemical term, as in Jeff’s
unfair-and-balanced examples at the top.
Winner gets the Inker, the
official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a full-size football
made of solid — or as solid as it can be — clear Bubble Wrap, embellished with
blue Bubble Wrap “laces” and stripes. It was sent to The Post around Super Bowl
time by the Bubble Wrap people, probably in a last-ditch attempt to hold on to
their brand name before it officially turns into the lowercase generic noun it
really already is.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug.
Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a
smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (Fir Stink for their first ink). E-mail
entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June
20; results published July 10 (July 8 online). Include “Week 923” in your
e-mail subject line, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name,
postal address and phone number with your entry. See the complete rules and
guidelines here. The online version of this column contains extra entries. The
revised title for next week’s results is by Mae Scanlan; this week’s
honorable-mentions subhead is by Beverley Sharp. Visit the online discussion
group The Style Conversational, where the Empress discusses today’s new contest
and results along with news about the Loser Community. If you’d like an e-mail
notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online,
write to the Empress at losers@washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and
she’ll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the group Style
Invitational Devotees and chime in.
Report from Week 919, in which we asked you to start with a 13-letter word, name or phrase;
add a letter, drop a letter, switch two letters somewhere in the word, or
substitute one letter for another; and describe the result, which might have 12
or 14 letters. The most frequently submitted phrase: “Osama Sin Laden.”
The winner of the Inker:
Doom with a view: Recent
listing for penthouse in Abbottabad (David Ballard, Reston, Va., a First
Offender)
2. Winner of the “I Eat
Losers for Breakfast” mug: Typochondriac: A paranoid proofreader. (Ward Kay,
Vienna, Va.)
3. Sodamasochist: Someone who
drinks Diet Coke after eating Mentos. (Sylvia Betts, Vancouver, B.C.)
4. Watercoorist:A brewer of
tasteless, weak beer. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)
Treizepassers: honorable mentions
Nosama bin Laden: Better “never,”
but “the late” will do. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)
Sinfinitesimal: Hardly worth
going to confession for. (Lois Douthitt, Arlington, Va.)
Panticommunism: Even Marx
didn’t mean for the abolition of private property to go that far. (Pam Sweeney,
Burlington, Mass.)
Defibillator: A lie detector.
(Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.)
Total meltdow: A stock market
crash. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City)
Hoverachievers: Helicopter
parents. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
Sunderachievers: Divorce
lawyers. (Tom Witte)
Membarrassment: An open fly.
(Theresa Kowal, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender)
Childpoofing: What pageant
moms do. (Kurt Stahl, Frederick, Md.)
Duchess of Dork: Beatrice.
(Nancy Schwalb, Washington)
Let’s Mike a Deal: Recruitment
slogan for DEA agents. (Loris McVittie, Rockville, Md.)
To bed or not to be: The
worldview of a sex addict. (Submitted under a pseudonym and revealed after
judging to be The Post’s Gene Weingarten; he gets no prize except questionable
glory)
Sirendipitous: Describing a
man’s ability to find, without really trying, the woman who will ruin him.
(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)
Seventh heave: The
apotheosis of worshiping the porcelain god. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
Gruel, to be kind: Airline
food in economy class. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.)
Streeptococcus: The acting
bug. (Susan Geariety, Menifee, Calif.)
“The Naked Ruth”: TV ratings
plummeted after Dr. Westheimer began giving live demos. (Kevin Dopart,
Washington)
Interrorgation: Rejected
euphemism for waterboarding. (Johnny Lanham, Columbia, S.C.)
Bleakfast menu: A few old
danishes on the motel sideboard. (Roger Hammons, North Potomac, Md.)
Freudian ships: Submarines.
(Ann Martin, Bracknell, England)
Bloopingdale’s: For great
deals on irregular fashions. (Valerie Matthews, Ashton, Md.)
Goop and Plenty: Melts in the
box, not in your mouth. (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.)
Pen and teller: Minimal
banking. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.)
Breastfeeling: What’s promoted
by the La Lecher League. (Kathye Hamilton, Annandale, Va., a First Offender)
Sintermission: Pausing to
have a cigarette and regain strength. (Tony Phelps, Washington)
Big Bong theory: Cosmological
theory of expan . . . hey, dude, you done with those potato chips?
(Donald Carter, Wayne, N.J.)
Gratifiction: Faking it.
(Craig Dykstra)
E pluribus anum: Out of many,
we elect you-know-whats. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.)
Hornithologist: Someone who
studies birds AND bees. (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.)
Teutonic shift: A titanic
gaffe. (“Ruth Frieder, Bethesda,” revealed after judging to be Gene Weingarten)
Foolhardness: An overdose of
Viagra. (Tom Witte)
WTOP Forty radio: It only
plays songs by Talking Heads. (Christopher Lamora)
It was God’s swill:
Rationalization for jumping off the wagon. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)
Encephallogram: An X-ray of a
man’s brain — his other brain. (Theresa Kowal)
Squintuplicate: The 1-point
font for the fine print on car lease forms. (Brendan Beary)
Aryan Zimmerman: The uberstar
third baseman leaves no room for errors. (Steve Glomb, Alexandria, Va.)
Bathematician: Archimedes.
(Jeff Contompasis)
Ragumentative: “End of
discussion. Period.” (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.)
Champ ate the bit: When Mike
Tyson’s hunger got the better of him. (John McCooey)
A Day in the Wife:
Little-known Lennon/Ono composition consisting entirely of moans and shrieks.
(Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, a First Offender)
Imperceptable: Describing an
error that hardly anyone will notice. (Ward Kay, Vienna)
And last:
Lexhibitionist: Someone who sends in 120 neologism entries in a single week.
(Tom Witte)
Next week: Sarchiasmus, or Transprosing